New Blog

It's not easy for me to say this, my dear followers, but I will try to break it to you softly.

I somewhat remember ninth grade, the year during which I started this blog, roughly five years ago. Times were different then. I thought that fedoras were socially acceptable in youth culture, and I had braces and a bowl cut.

I thought long and hard about how to handle this. For at least ten minutes, I searched for the right words. I considered using an extended metaphor about euthanasia, writing a farewell letter cleverly guised as an article about widow's caps... But I'm not trying to pull the wool over your eyes. I will come direct this time.

It's safe to say that my days of writing satire pieces about hats have reached an end.

This is an emotional time for us all, except perhaps me, but it's not all gloom and doom.

A new blog is coming.

I will be writing reviews of Skylanders action figures. I hope that you can accept this for what it is and that you will not dismiss my new blog merely for the fact that it has nothing to do with this one.

The Moment Has Arrived!

In my blog's very first poll, I asked my extremely humble followers what kind of felt hat is superior. Forgive me. I am aware that it has been difficult for many of you to breathe through the suspense. I am also aware that many of you left your spouses and quit your jobs as a means of monitoring the poll's progress constantly. I will not compensate you for your losses.

However, I am willing to tell you all the results. Your choices were:

The Top Hat

The Fedora

The Bowler Hat

I cannot choose

Needless to say, none of you could choose. I commend you. If I were placed in a life or death scenario and told to choose between those three hats, I would choose death so as to avoid offending any of the aforementioned hats!

Royal Wedding

I have risen from the dead to write more about hats. The Royal Wedding, otherwise the least entertaining event to have occurred in living memory, was filled with some of the most attractive headgear I have ever witnessed!

Upon realizing that clips from the wedding would be played in some of my classes during school, I sobbed relentlessly. "There will be no hats!" I lamented. However, even the greatest hat master in the Milky Way galaxy (me) makes mistakes!

Princess Beatrice is perhaps the most beautiful woman I have ever set my sights upon :)

Although I generally do not approve of commoners, this marriage called together some of the most tasteful hats of our generation. Many unenlightened peons criticize hats of an odd nature. This, however, is one of the most naive things that a person can do.

Despite the alleged positive outcomes of genetic diversity, I am outraged with Kate Middleton for her failure to wear an aesthetically pleasing hat to her own wedding. I almost renounced my spite upon seeing her "tiny crown". But alas! The "tiny crown" was a conspiracy created by the middle class in order to justify the marriage.

Though it may appear to be a real hat, do not be fooled my friends. The tasteful crown is not a tasteful crown at all, but rather it is a part of the carriage that they are riding on!

All in all, the Royal Wedding was a rousing success! Although this article has been poorly organized, I remain certain that I have taught you many things about hats!

Baseball Caps

Well, I guess the time has come. The thought of writing this particular article has been haunting my otherwise pleasant dreams. They are usually about meeting Ray Romano, but lately they have been filled with dark storm clouds. I have yet to write a blog post filled with an intense amount of rage. For some of my more sensitive readers, I would suggest the sombrero article.

Baseball caps are not intrinsically evil, but they have become a strong soldier in Satan's army. Hats are supposed to be the sort of thing that has a small cult following. Baseball caps have become so popular in our society that everyone neglects the other hats that, quite frankly, have better designs. The baseball cap is recognizable for its small visor in the front. What a measly attempt to shade my alabaster skin! The conical straw hat or the sombrero would work much better.

You are in the Gobi Desert. You are the only survivor of a horrific plane crash, and you are quite parched. If only you had accepted the water from that flight attendant! But its too late for that. A magician appears in front of you. At first you regret taking acid all of those years ago, but in your desperation you say hello to him. He holds in his left hand a baseball cap. And in his right...the mighty conical straw hat.

It is no longer about being a sheep and loving the same hat as everyone else...It is life.

Or death.

Hatkin

The hatkin is the only reason I leave the comfort of my warm home during the winter months. Many idiots criticize the hatkin for their obviously incorrect opinion that it is not stylish. The hatkin would be one of the greatest ideas in history even if it were ugly. This hat's efficiency is what makes it fabulous. Did your mother ever tell you that you could be anything you wanted with some hard work? She was wrong. Let's examine the story of a man named Ted. Ted wanted to be an explorer in the arctic tundra. He went out into the subzero climate and he froze to death. I wasn't there with him so I must assume that he died because he was not wearing a hatkin. Without flaps of soft fabric covering your neck, you are wide open to the harsh storms that nature can and will throw at you. I would like to see Ted's determination and hard work save him from a blizzard. Let's take this stupid hypothetical scenario one ridiculous step further. Let us say that Ted has survived the Storm. All is well. The blizzard is over. All he must do is make it back to base. But what is this? Oh the humanity! Ted has found a Yeti. The Yeti is enraged and has dragged Ted into combat. The Yeti claws Ted in the neck. Alas, without the protection of the hatkin, Ted has lost his life. The hatkin may not be applicable in every scenario, but it is surely the ultimate winter cap.

I am Sorry: A Letter from my Heart to Yours

Hello friends. I am so sorry. It has been many moons since I updated the hats blog. Remorse and sadness have been accumulating in my heart. It is time for me to repay my debt. I will update the blog today. (Insert your own applause here.) I hope you enjoy it. Writing about hats is and always has been a passion of mine. Sometimes the pressure to provide you with the best hats information gets to me and I just can't go on. Those are the days when I play Legend Of Zelda, and abandon my true friends. You. You.... I am back. Back from the grave. And I am here to quench your thirst for headgear knowledge.

Sombrero or Conical Straw Hat? : A Case Study

Hello friends. I just finished my article about sombreros, and I had a thought. We all know that conical straw hats and sombreros are great, but which is greater? This is why we are here. There are three qualities that I will be judging with my own hats expertise. These qualities are: Versatility, Obscurity, and UV Ray Protection Capabilities.

Round 1: Versatility

The conical straw hat is very versatile. Although the form of the conical straw hat does not vary so much, its use in the community does. Conical straw hats are worn by farmers, students, vendors, and all other commoners who think they can handle its greatness. All conical straw hats have a similar structure, and they are quite recognizable.

The sombrero is a hat that has changed over time and has many different styles. The sombrero has been worn by cowboys, musicians, and other badasses. The sombrero varies in style quite a bit. The term can apply to almost any wide-brimmed circular hat. Sombreros can be made of felt or straw. And this is an impressive aspect of the hat.

I have to give round 1 to the sombrero. The term "conical straw hat" applies to a very specific type of hat, while sombrero is a much more loosely defined term. The sombrero's potential to be made of felt or straw was the deciding factor.

Round 2: Obscurity

The sombrero is beautiful because of its varying designs and often has colorful designs of flowers or dragons or even the sun. These hats are typically reserved for wealthier individuals. It is somewhat obscure to see a hat that is covered with art.

The conical straw hat is incredibly obscure. The person who designed this hat is a mad genius. You are wearing a cone on your head. And the conical straw hat consumes your head, and you become a part of it. (This is one way that it differs from the party hat (See figures 1a and 1b). The hat is not your accessory. You are the hat's accessory. It is truly unique to see a hat that commands so much attention. The hat is large, and it looks like you are wearing a giant lamp shade (See Figures 2a and 2b). The conical straw hat is only accepted socially in parts of Asia. The sombrero is accepted in many different regions. You will almost surely see more sombreros in your lifespan than conical straw hats. Conical straw hats are clearly more obscure.

Conical straw hats are more obscure because they have a more unique appearance and because they are rarely seen outside of their place of origin.

Round 3: UV Ray Protection Capabilities

Well, it all comes down to this. Which hat offers better protection from harmful UV rays? First we will look at the design of the two hats. Sombreros take advantage of a wide circular brim to provide shade. Conical straw hats use a conical shape to spread out the shade over a large area. To truly understand the capabilities of these hats, I must actually wear them. I sat out in the sun for several hours wearing both hats. The heat was the same on both days. 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Below you can see a graph displaying my discomfort (measured in glarks) over an extended period of time.




As you can see, the conical straw hat was more efficient for protecting my incredibly pale face from the harmful rays of the Sun. It was pretty close, but the Conical straw hat is the winner.