Pure genius. I never thought that I would say this, but there is a hat that succeeds where the top hat has failed. Have you ever had a job as a gamekeeper? I know I have. And every time that I see a low tree branch in my way while I’m on horseback, it hurts me deeply to know that my top hat will be knocked off of my head. This is why Thomas and William Bowler created the bowler hat. Those low hanging tree branches have not given me any trouble since I bought my bowler hat. Not a single time. Bowler hats are not given the credit that they are due either. Cowboy hats are not on this list yet. Why? Because bowler hats were actually more popular in the Wild West. Yeah, I bet that you didn’t know that. Bowler hats, despite contrary belief, are still alive. They are on life support, but I predict that they will be making a serious comeback pretty soon. The bowler hat has some interesting alternative names. Here is a list. Coke hat, derby, billycock, bombin, blockade, block hat, “the true cowboy hat”. The list goes on forever. Oh yeah, and if you are thinking that this post is worth any less than the others because it is smaller then you are wrong. This post is worth less than the others because the content is sub-par!
The straw hat is perfect for any person of any demographic. Who knew that straw could create a type of headgear that is so versatile? Straw appears so lame at first. But then, out of no where, you have one of the most impressive hats ever. There are three basic types of straw hat. I will explain in depth why each type is cool. First, we have the Panama hat. This hat was glorified in the 19th century, and it is considered the prince of all straw hats. Panama hats range in quality. The best panama hats, called “superfinos” can hold water. And that’s not all. When they are completely folded up they are thin enough to go through the loop of a wedding ring. Now that’s an impressive hat. Secondly, we have the boater straw hat. The boater straw hat is the perfect straw hat for commoners like you. This hat is not as fancy as something that I would wear, but it is still moderately impressive. Sailors and barber shop quartets wear these hats. When I hear the word “cool” I immediately think of barbershop quartets and sailors. The Conical hat is our third and final type of straw hat. Have you ever seen an Asian farmer wearing an obscure hat to protect his skin from UV rays? Yeah that’s the Conical hat, my friend. I cannot put into words how cool this hat is. It is incredibly useful, but its potential as a fashion accessory has been ignored. You just need to see a picture. The hat is incredible. Straw hats of all varieties are still popular today and they even outsell felt hats. Well, straw hats, the dark horse in this race to hat supremacy, may just be the winner.
Well, let’s talk fools. There are regular old run-of-the-mill fools then there are those who are licensed fools. Both types of fool have an excuse to make serious mistakes but one of them has access to the king’s courtyard and is completely glorified. The job of being a jester died long ago. You know a hat is impressively cool when it outlives the profession that it was originally associated with though. Jester hats often have bells on them. Eccentricity is something that this list of hats has been lacking. Jester hats are quite eccentric. There is one thing that I must say. Clowns. We have taken something so beautiful and turned it into something so profoundly disturbing. I think we really owe the old jesters for what we have done to them. It is important that we remind any jester ghosts that may be watching us that we love them and that we are sorry. We must let them know that clowns were an accident and that the original fool is still the best. Jesters are hilarious. They could deliver news to the king that no one else could possibly deliver. There is an excellent example of this that I have acquired from Wikipedia, the most legitimate source of information that the world has ever known! In 1340, when an entire French fleet was defeated in the Battle of Sluys, the king was surely going to be furious. Who broke the news to him? A jester took it upon himself to tell a joke to the king about France’s failure. He said that English sailors don't even have the guts to jump into the water like the brave French. Comedic genius my friend, comedic genius! And with any luck some of that comedic genius will rub off on you if you wear their eccentric three-tipped hats.
I believe that the top hat is a hard act to follow, but fedoras are seriously incredible too. I believe that they deserve as much credit as I can give them. Why are fedoras so great? Well, first of all, because their stylish nature defies gender. The word “fedora” comes from the name of an 1882 play starring Sarah Bernhardt. In the play, Sarah wore a hat that resembles the modern fedora. The hats became a sensation among women. Every woman needed to wear a fedora if she were to go to a nice place. They work with anything too. Anything. In the early twentieth century, men began wearing fedoras. Fedoras deserve credit simply because there must have been a moment in time where an average man said to himself, “I know they are for women but….they’re just so stylish…forget it! I’m just going to wear it.” This man’s bravery must have inspired many other men to wear these fashionable hats. Kudos to you sir, kudos. You may think that fedoras died out long ago but if that is what you are thinking then you are clearly dead wrong. Fedoras will always be around. Michael Jackson, the king of pop among other things, wore a fedora. When has Michael Jackson ever been wrong about fashion? Never. I still wear my creepy sequin glove to this day. We all know that fedoras are stylish, but are they efficient? Yes, they are efficient because they are stylish. If you wear a fedora to a job interview, they will completely overlook any lack of credentials that you have and just bump you up to an executive position. It is because you look that good. You make money quickly and with ease. That is efficiency, my friend. Your charisma increases by at least 20 percent when you are wearing a fedora. 10 percent if someone sees a fedora in your closet.
Top Hats are quite possibly the greatest hats in existence. Top hats are great for an endless number of reasons, but I will just give you a few. When you see an individual wearing a top hat, you think, “Wow, that person is dressed for success.” Or at least that is what I think. In today’s society, it is considered obscure to wear a top hat, but it is very important for us to consider the history of the hat and not just where it stands today. In the nineteenth century, top hats were associated with people who were in the upper class. Now they are simply goofy looking. But why? I believe that the answer is patriotism. Or to be more specific, a lack of it. Let us think of some people throughout history who have worn this fantastic cylindrical headgear. The first person that most people think of is none other than Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was the 16th president of the United States and I would say that he is easily one of the most recognizable presidents today. Why? Because he got the job done and he worked for the good of the American people. Uncle Sam, according to the Wikipedia page that is dedicated to him, is the national personification for the United States. He always wears his top hat. Whenever Uncle Sam wished to recruit for the United States army, he was dressed for the occasion. Top hats are powerful. What “power” do they have? Persuasion. When Uncle Sam was asking people to join the United States Army, the top hat may have been what convinced quite a few of them to fight for their country. The next person you thought of may have been Slash, the guitarist of Guns N’ Roses. Slash is very popular and many people enjoy his music very much. Is it because he is good at playing guitar? I guess. But I think that he had some help. There are plenty of incredible guitarists out there who seek fame and find nothing. They are forced to live with their parents because they had no fall-back career plan. Why? Because they do not wear top hats and that was a serious mistake on their part. Don’t believe that top hats give you fame? Well, the Mad Hatter is famous because of his top hat. Just throwing that out there.. This is why top hats are incredible. I would like to thank anyone who was patient enough to read all of that.
