Baseball Caps

Well, I guess the time has come. The thought of writing this particular article has been haunting my otherwise pleasant dreams. They are usually about meeting Ray Romano, but lately they have been filled with dark storm clouds. I have yet to write a blog post filled with an intense amount of rage. For some of my more sensitive readers, I would suggest the sombrero article.

Baseball caps are not intrinsically evil, but they have become a strong soldier in Satan's army. Hats are supposed to be the sort of thing that has a small cult following. Baseball caps have become so popular in our society that everyone neglects the other hats that, quite frankly, have better designs. The baseball cap is recognizable for its small visor in the front. What a measly attempt to shade my alabaster skin! The conical straw hat or the sombrero would work much better.

You are in the Gobi Desert. You are the only survivor of a horrific plane crash, and you are quite parched. If only you had accepted the water from that flight attendant! But its too late for that. A magician appears in front of you. At first you regret taking acid all of those years ago, but in your desperation you say hello to him. He holds in his left hand a baseball cap. And in his right...the mighty conical straw hat.

It is no longer about being a sheep and loving the same hat as everyone else...It is life.

Or death.

Hatkin

The hatkin is the only reason I leave the comfort of my warm home during the winter months. Many idiots criticize the hatkin for their obviously incorrect opinion that it is not stylish. The hatkin would be one of the greatest ideas in history even if it were ugly. This hat's efficiency is what makes it fabulous. Did your mother ever tell you that you could be anything you wanted with some hard work? She was wrong. Let's examine the story of a man named Ted. Ted wanted to be an explorer in the arctic tundra. He went out into the subzero climate and he froze to death. I wasn't there with him so I must assume that he died because he was not wearing a hatkin. Without flaps of soft fabric covering your neck, you are wide open to the harsh storms that nature can and will throw at you. I would like to see Ted's determination and hard work save him from a blizzard. Let's take this stupid hypothetical scenario one ridiculous step further. Let us say that Ted has survived the Storm. All is well. The blizzard is over. All he must do is make it back to base. But what is this? Oh the humanity! Ted has found a Yeti. The Yeti is enraged and has dragged Ted into combat. The Yeti claws Ted in the neck. Alas, without the protection of the hatkin, Ted has lost his life. The hatkin may not be applicable in every scenario, but it is surely the ultimate winter cap.

I am Sorry: A Letter from my Heart to Yours

Hello friends. I am so sorry. It has been many moons since I updated the hats blog. Remorse and sadness have been accumulating in my heart. It is time for me to repay my debt. I will update the blog today. (Insert your own applause here.) I hope you enjoy it. Writing about hats is and always has been a passion of mine. Sometimes the pressure to provide you with the best hats information gets to me and I just can't go on. Those are the days when I play Legend Of Zelda, and abandon my true friends. You. You.... I am back. Back from the grave. And I am here to quench your thirst for headgear knowledge.

Sombrero or Conical Straw Hat? : A Case Study

Hello friends. I just finished my article about sombreros, and I had a thought. We all know that conical straw hats and sombreros are great, but which is greater? This is why we are here. There are three qualities that I will be judging with my own hats expertise. These qualities are: Versatility, Obscurity, and UV Ray Protection Capabilities.

Round 1: Versatility

The conical straw hat is very versatile. Although the form of the conical straw hat does not vary so much, its use in the community does. Conical straw hats are worn by farmers, students, vendors, and all other commoners who think they can handle its greatness. All conical straw hats have a similar structure, and they are quite recognizable.

The sombrero is a hat that has changed over time and has many different styles. The sombrero has been worn by cowboys, musicians, and other badasses. The sombrero varies in style quite a bit. The term can apply to almost any wide-brimmed circular hat. Sombreros can be made of felt or straw. And this is an impressive aspect of the hat.

I have to give round 1 to the sombrero. The term "conical straw hat" applies to a very specific type of hat, while sombrero is a much more loosely defined term. The sombrero's potential to be made of felt or straw was the deciding factor.

Round 2: Obscurity

The sombrero is beautiful because of its varying designs and often has colorful designs of flowers or dragons or even the sun. These hats are typically reserved for wealthier individuals. It is somewhat obscure to see a hat that is covered with art.

The conical straw hat is incredibly obscure. The person who designed this hat is a mad genius. You are wearing a cone on your head. And the conical straw hat consumes your head, and you become a part of it. (This is one way that it differs from the party hat (See figures 1a and 1b). The hat is not your accessory. You are the hat's accessory. It is truly unique to see a hat that commands so much attention. The hat is large, and it looks like you are wearing a giant lamp shade (See Figures 2a and 2b). The conical straw hat is only accepted socially in parts of Asia. The sombrero is accepted in many different regions. You will almost surely see more sombreros in your lifespan than conical straw hats. Conical straw hats are clearly more obscure.

Conical straw hats are more obscure because they have a more unique appearance and because they are rarely seen outside of their place of origin.

Round 3: UV Ray Protection Capabilities

Well, it all comes down to this. Which hat offers better protection from harmful UV rays? First we will look at the design of the two hats. Sombreros take advantage of a wide circular brim to provide shade. Conical straw hats use a conical shape to spread out the shade over a large area. To truly understand the capabilities of these hats, I must actually wear them. I sat out in the sun for several hours wearing both hats. The heat was the same on both days. 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Below you can see a graph displaying my discomfort (measured in glarks) over an extended period of time.




As you can see, the conical straw hat was more efficient for protecting my incredibly pale face from the harmful rays of the Sun. It was pretty close, but the Conical straw hat is the winner.

Sombrero

The sombrero is one of the more impressive items that the tiny human brain has been able to create. To make a long story short, the sombrero is the Mexican equivalent of the conical straw hat. Sombreros are extremely versatile. If you were a peasant living in a rural area of Mexico, you would wear a straw sombrero. If you were someone of a higher status in the hats community, like myself, you would wear a felt sombrero. For us to truly understand the glory and honor of the sombrero, we must break apart the name itself. The Spanish word "sombra" means shade. The translation of sombrero is "shade maker". Do you feel enlightened yet? You should. Have you ever heard a mariachi band? They rocked your world, didn't they? Mariachi bands exist only because of the hats sitting on their heads. Yeah, you heard me right. Imagine a group of Mexicans, playing instruments out in the hot Guadalajaran sun. Eventually they would not be able to stand the heat. They would give up on asking for money and begin asking for water. With no income, they would stop releasing new albums. All of the children of Mexico who had once aspired to be great street musicians would see the lack of success for mariachi band members. Their dreams would be crushed and they would end up with some crappy desk job that they hate. There you go, this is the chain of events that would occur if the sombrero did not exist. Children would lose their dreams and aspirations, great mariachi bands would be doomed to failure, and this blog would not host this terrible article that I wrote.

Bowler Hats

Pure genius. I never thought that I would say this, but there is a hat that succeeds where the top hat has failed. Have you ever had a job as a gamekeeper? I know I have. And every time that I see a low tree branch in my way while I’m on horseback, it hurts me deeply to know that my top hat will be knocked off of my head. This is why Thomas and William Bowler created the bowler hat. Those low hanging tree branches have not given me any trouble since I bought my bowler hat. Not a single time. Bowler hats are not given the credit that they are due either. Cowboy hats are not on this list yet. Why? Because bowler hats were actually more popular in the Wild West. Yeah, I bet that you didn’t know that. Bowler hats, despite contrary belief, are still alive. They are on life support, but I predict that they will be making a serious comeback pretty soon. The bowler hat has some interesting alternative names. Here is a list. Coke hat, derby, billycock, bombin, blockade, block hat, “the true cowboy hat”. The list goes on forever. Oh yeah, and if you are thinking that this post is worth any less than the others because it is smaller then you are wrong. This post is worth less than the others because the content is sub-par!

Straw Hats

The straw hat is perfect for any person of any demographic. Who knew that straw could create a type of headgear that is so versatile? Straw appears so lame at first. But then, out of no where, you have one of the most impressive hats ever. There are three basic types of straw hat. I will explain in depth why each type is cool. First, we have the Panama hat. This hat was glorified in the 19th century, and it is considered the prince of all straw hats. Panama hats range in quality. The best panama hats, called “superfinos” can hold water. And that’s not all. When they are completely folded up they are thin enough to go through the loop of a wedding ring. Now that’s an impressive hat. Secondly, we have the boater straw hat. The boater straw hat is the perfect straw hat for commoners like you. This hat is not as fancy as something that I would wear, but it is still moderately impressive. Sailors and barber shop quartets wear these hats. When I hear the word “cool” I immediately think of barbershop quartets and sailors. The Conical hat is our third and final type of straw hat. Have you ever seen an Asian farmer wearing an obscure hat to protect his skin from UV rays? Yeah that’s the Conical hat, my friend. I cannot put into words how cool this hat is. It is incredibly useful, but its potential as a fashion accessory has been ignored. You just need to see a picture. The hat is incredible. Straw hats of all varieties are still popular today and they even outsell felt hats. Well, straw hats, the dark horse in this race to hat supremacy, may just be the winner.

Jester Hats

Well, let’s talk fools. There are regular old run-of-the-mill fools then there are those who are licensed fools. Both types of fool have an excuse to make serious mistakes but one of them has access to the king’s courtyard and is completely glorified. The job of being a jester died long ago. You know a hat is impressively cool when it outlives the profession that it was originally associated with though. Jester hats often have bells on them. Eccentricity is something that this list of hats has been lacking. Jester hats are quite eccentric. There is one thing that I must say. Clowns. We have taken something so beautiful and turned it into something so profoundly disturbing. I think we really owe the old jesters for what we have done to them. It is important that we remind any jester ghosts that may be watching us that we love them and that we are sorry. We must let them know that clowns were an accident and that the original fool is still the best. Jesters are hilarious. They could deliver news to the king that no one else could possibly deliver. There is an excellent example of this that I have acquired from Wikipedia, the most legitimate source of information that the world has ever known! In 1340, when an entire French fleet was defeated in the Battle of Sluys, the king was surely going to be furious. Who broke the news to him? A jester took it upon himself to tell a joke to the king about France’s failure. He said that English sailors don't even have the guts to jump into the water like the brave French. Comedic genius my friend, comedic genius! And with any luck some of that comedic genius will rub off on you if you wear their eccentric three-tipped hats.

Fedoras

I believe that the top hat is a hard act to follow, but fedoras are seriously incredible too. I believe that they deserve as much credit as I can give them. Why are fedoras so great? Well, first of all, because their stylish nature defies gender. The word “fedora” comes from the name of an 1882 play starring Sarah Bernhardt. In the play, Sarah wore a hat that resembles the modern fedora. The hats became a sensation among women. Every woman needed to wear a fedora if she were to go to a nice place. They work with anything too. Anything. In the early twentieth century, men began wearing fedoras. Fedoras deserve credit simply because there must have been a moment in time where an average man said to himself, “I know they are for women but….they’re just so stylish…forget it! I’m just going to wear it.” This man’s bravery must have inspired many other men to wear these fashionable hats. Kudos to you sir, kudos. You may think that fedoras died out long ago but if that is what you are thinking then you are clearly dead wrong. Fedoras will always be around. Michael Jackson, the king of pop among other things, wore a fedora. When has Michael Jackson ever been wrong about fashion? Never. I still wear my creepy sequin glove to this day. We all know that fedoras are stylish, but are they efficient? Yes, they are efficient because they are stylish. If you wear a fedora to a job interview, they will completely overlook any lack of credentials that you have and just bump you up to an executive position. It is because you look that good. You make money quickly and with ease. That is efficiency, my friend. Your charisma increases by at least 20 percent when you are wearing a fedora. 10 percent if someone sees a fedora in your closet.

Top Hats

Top Hats are quite possibly the greatest hats in existence. Top hats are great for an endless number of reasons, but I will just give you a few. When you see an individual wearing a top hat, you think, “Wow, that person is dressed for success.” Or at least that is what I think. In today’s society, it is considered obscure to wear a top hat, but it is very important for us to consider the history of the hat and not just where it stands today. In the nineteenth century, top hats were associated with people who were in the upper class. Now they are simply goofy looking. But why? I believe that the answer is patriotism. Or to be more specific, a lack of it. Let us think of some people throughout history who have worn this fantastic cylindrical headgear. The first person that most people think of is none other than Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was the 16^th president of the United States and I would say that he is easily one of the most recognizable presidents today. Why? Because he got the job done and he worked for the good of the American people. Uncle Sam, according to the Wikipedia page that is dedicated to him, is the national personification for the United States. He always wears his top hat. Whenever Uncle Sam wished to recruit for the United States army, he was dressed for the occasion. Top hats are powerful. What “power” do they have? Persuasion. When Uncle Sam was asking people to join the United States Army, the top hat may have been what convinced quite a few of them to fight for their country. The next person you thought of may have been Slash, the guitarist of Guns N’ Roses. Slash is very popular and many people enjoy his music very much. Is it because he is good at playing guitar? I guess. But I think that he had some help. There are plenty of incredible guitarists out there who seek fame and find nothing. They are forced to live with their parents because they had no fall-back career plan. Why? Because they do not wear top hats and that was a serious mistake on their part. Don’t believe that top hats give you fame? Well, the Mad Hatter is famous because of his top hat. Just throwing that out there.. This is why top hats are incredible. I would like to thank anyone who was patient enough to read all of that.